SERIOUS STORY, SLOPPY JOURNALISM
From The Nation:
A leg believed to belong to a teenage woman was found floating on Saen Saeb Canal and retrieved at the pier behind The Mall Bang Kapi Friday afternoon, police said.This is a serious story but either poor translation or poor original writing has made in far from that. First line says "teenage" and third line then claims "a woman about 20 years old". It also says the leg might have been cut off "two or two days ago". And final, "Police were searching for the owner of the leg". All sorts of images spring to mind in what, to be, is a very badly presented story. How about this as a rewrite?
Police the leg was spotted floating under the bridge over the canal at the Lam Salee Intersection until it floated to the pier and was retrieved.
Pol Lt Col Booncherd Srikong, an investigator of the Hua Mark police station, said the leg was believed to belong to a woman about 20 years old.
He said the leg might have been cut off two or two days ago and police were searching for the owner of the leg."
A leg believed to have belonged to a woman was retrieved by Police from Saen Saeb Canal close to The Mall Bang Kapi yesterday.There you go. A better English version within none of the important facts taken out. That's essentially what I spend some time doing each week, both for our own publications and for other English presentations and documents. For an outside company we charge a minimum of 800 baht per page for a complete Thai-to-English translation and that all important native English copy check and rewrite. We're offering these services for annual reports, public relations, etc, and have a steady stream of work. We're not the cheapest but we're one of the best in terms of standards and quality.
Pol Lt Col Booncherd Srikong, an investigator from Hua Mark police station, said the leg was believed to have belonged to a woman aged around 20-years-old. He added the leg may have been cut from the body two days ago.
Police inquiries are continuing.
2 comments:
B800 a page? You are certainly not the cheapest. Translators are a dime a dozen in Bangkok.
Your version:
A leg believe to have belonged to a woman was retrieved by Police from Saen Saeb Canal close to The Mall Bang Kapi yesterday.
The word 'believe' should read 'believed', of course.
I don't like the rest of your first-par construction, 'believed to have belonged to a...' It doesn't read like a newspaper story, and is too lumpy for an intro. It's also a passive construction...why not say who found it?
How about:
'Police have found what they believe is a woman's leg, floating in Saen Saeb Canal close to The Mall Bang Kapi.
'The limb was retrieved yesterday. They believe it belonged to a young woman aged about 20.'
If it wasn't the police who found it - and you re-write just assumes it was, as the original does not say - then you can change the wording again, to say a bystander, shopper or whatever spotted it, then police fished it out.
Points taken. Thanks. In yours you have believed and believe in the first two paragraphs. I guess it we knew all the facts we could both write something better.
There is also a distinct difference between writing for the web (as the original was) and for print. You can generally elaborate more in print whereas you generally have less words to get your point across online.
Costs - yes, you're right. There are many Thai-to-English translators but I have honestly only come across one in the two years I have been here whom I can totally trust, without having to spend time rewriting or checking.
Some charge 200 baht but the average is in the 300-500 baht range - that's what I have personally found. Our service is more than translation - it includes copy checking by a native English professional journalist, and is aimed more at publishers and financial organizations. We get enough of this kind of work and we don't actively market for it. If someone approaches us we'll do it so everything we do comes by word-of-mouth.
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